Trigger warning for sexual themes.
What happened?
Emilia had figured out a while ago she was bisexual, and she wanted to share that with her friends and loved ones on Bi Visibility Day, both those who went to school with her and people she mostly interacted with online. She made the announcement in several places — on her public Snapchat story, on her Instagram, and in a TikTok. She was excited to show the world who she was, a proud, bisexual, Latina girl. There were times she absolutely adored these parts of herself, and today was one of those times.
Some of the comments on Insta and Tiktok, and the responses on Snapchat, expressed congratulations, solidarity, and pride. A few spouted the homophobic ideas she knew would come. To some extent, she even knew that a few people would act gross about her identity. That came with the territory of being Latina sometimes, even before she’d come out. Still, that didn’t ease the blow when she got a flood of sexual comments.
Old classmates, current classmates, and even online friends posted publicly, underneath her Instagram picture of the bi flag wrapped around her, lewd things she didn’t dream of repeating. Describing her as “spicy” and similar words, saying she was “even hotter” now that she’d come out. Some comments had poorly translated Spanish, which she thought were attempts to say explicit things in a way that made a weird, icky joke of her and her culture. These showed up on TikTok, too, and in some replies to her Snapchat story, but the worst of it was on Insta. She guessed about one in three comments there were saying sexual things about her.
Emilia felt sick. She didn’t make these posts as an invitation to say these things. She’d just wanted a day of celebrating herself. Instead, worried and self-conscious, she wore more concealing clothes than usual at school the next day, and couldn’t check her phone without a wave of nausea hitting her. When she noticed someone staring at her at lunch, she assumed the worst, that he was thinking the same thoughts people had expressed in her comments.
What did she do?
Upon coming home from school that day, Emilia talked with her parents. She’d come out to them before, and they were supportive, or at least trying to be — she could hear some positive words from them, she thought, a nice change of pace. When she sat down with them in the living room, glancing around first to make sure no younger siblings were present, she spoke up. “People are being weird on my coming out posts.”
“Weird? What do you mean?” her father replied.
“I mean they’re saying sexual stuff.”
Her parents exchanged a look, and then her mother, smiling softly, took her turn to talk. “That happens sometimes, mija. I got some comments like that when I was your age. Don’t let them get to you. They’re not too big of a deal.”
Emilia stared at the floor, wishing she could just not let them hurt her like her mother suggested. “I know. I got them before too. There’s just… a lot on my posts about being bi… but… I guess it’s fine…”
She trailed off and, after getting a quick hug from her parents, took off to her room to be alone. She kept trying not to let the comments get to her, and she kept failing. They had lodged in her mind and refused to leave. Feeling that her parents did not understand, she tried reaching out to her cousin Luca, who was in college and had come out as gay a few years back. He was the closest person she could think of who was both LGBTQ+ and Latine, and she hoped he’d understand in a way her parents didn’t.
When she texted him and told him about her horrible week so far, the response was not all she’d hoped for.
That’s rough. I haven’t really had that happen to me online before, but that’s really rough. I’m so sorry.
What did he mean, he hasn’t had that happen online before? She was about to give up talking to people and simply cry under her covers, but then her phone buzzed with another text from Luca.
I’d say those gross comments shouldn’t matter, but it seems like they matter to you a lot.
They did. She said as much when she responded.
Thanks for telling me about this. I’m glad you got it off your chest. How about you block those weirdos and take some time to chill? I’m here for you.
Emilia smiled, just slightly, at Luca’s comforting words. He didn’t totally get it either, but talking to him had still helped. She opened her YouTube app and pulled up some cooking videos — the wild ones where the chef jokes around and fails in the kitchen. Those were her favorite. She brainstormed with Luca about other ways to chill: scrolling through accounts she knew were positive and affirming, looking at pictures of cats making funny faces, and playing games with her siblings. This didn’t make her ill feelings go away completely, but it made them, at the very least, less overwhelming.
Luca texted again, after she’d calmed down for a while. So, I’ve definitely still gotten some not so fun comments about my gayness and my race, even if they weren’t as sexual. It’s a lot to deal with. This is a long-term thing, but therapy has helped me a lot with not feeling as bad about them.
Emilia had heard about therapy before, but felt hesitant. If her parents and cousin didn’t fully understand, how could a therapist understand? Would they be dismissive like her mother? Would they fetishize her too? She talked out these concerns with Luca, but he reassured her that good therapists were not what she feared.
As the weeks passed, she was more able to appreciate the positive responses to her posts. She felt a bit gross, still, but she could cope and go about her life, just a bit less happy than usual.
Her parents helped her find a therapist, one who was also Latina and LGBTQ+. During Emilia’s first appointment, they talked about why she was there and set some goals moving forward. The therapist validated her feelings, expressed sympathy, and assured Emilia that she’d eventually be able to bathe in the same pride and self-love she’d felt before that flood of comments. Emilia left the therapist’s office crying happy tears.
Written by Adrian Wood
Narration by Paula A.
Want to try the coping skills Emilia used?
SAMHSA finding mental health treatment
Psychology Today finding mental health treatment
Programming for gender-expansive youth
Want help now? There are free and confidential hotlines available 24/7. Call/text the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 or contact the Trevor Project, a crisis hotline specifically for LGBTQ youth, by calling 1-866-488-7386 or texting START to 678-678.