Listen to a reading of Aidan’s story.
What happened?
Aidan walked out of his therapy session to the last golden rays of sunshine. Exhausted, he clambered into the car where his dad sat waiting.
“How was your session?” Aidan’s dad asked calmly.
“It was okay.” Aidan wasn’t usually chatty after therapy. He was tired from talking about his feelings for an hour.
Instead, Aidan and his dad lapsed into their typical silence for the rest of the car ride. At home, Aidan dropped his book bag in his room and laid on his bed. Looking to take a break and relax, he opened social media.
He wanted to go to a place that felt welcoming, so he opened Discord to a server he’d joined focused on discussing indigenous identities. Although Aidan looked white like his mom, his father’s ancestry connected to Alaska Native groups. He had long endured teasing and misunderstanding when he talked about his multi-racial identity at school, so he liked finding online spaces of communities like him where he could think about his identity.
After a few minutes, though, Aidan found a thread of hateful comments on a channel dedicated to sharing cultural practices of various native groups. Users Aidan hadn’t seen before were mocking traditions and writing harmful remarks. Aidan opened a new channel and discovered a post from one of his online friends from the server, Kanak. His post talked about the change from Columbus Day to Indigenous People’s Day, and it too had a long list of hurtful messages towards Kanak. Aidan felt his heart racing as he opened his DMs and found a message calling him white and saying he didn’t belong.
Aidan continued to scroll through the stream of hate in the server, feeling his frustration boiling over. He was on a public server and knew there was always potential for hate to spread, but he still felt that his safe space online had been infiltrated and tainted. Aidan could feel anger surging in his chest as he tossed his phone aside, no longer interested in being on social media.
Though therapy was helpful, it often left him emotionally tired. He had been sharing about his troubles at school and with his family. He was struggling with his identity and sometimes wondered about his sexuality. He knew his parents were thinking about divorce. His grades had slipped significantly in the past semester, and he didn’t really have many friends at school.
All these thoughts began to swirl ceaselessly in Aidan’s head. He felt a heaviness in his core. He hated allowing the comments of strangers on the server to upset him, but all the feelings residing just beneath the surface in his mind now came bursting free. He was overwhelmed with frustration and hopelessness. His history of self-harm flooded into his mind, and he thought about wanting to end his life.
What did he do?
Aidan didn’t feel capable of dealing with the stress in his life and the intense feelings weighing on him at that moment. He wanted to talk to someone, but he didn’t want to burden his parents. Unsure who else to turn to, Aidan decided to text a crisis hotline. After a quick google search, he texted “NATIVE” to 741741.
“I need to talk to someone,” he typed. His thumb shook but he hit send anyway and waited. An automated response came first, but after a few more minutes, he was connected with a crisis counselor, who introduced themself as Jesse and responded to the thoughts Aidan had shared while waiting.
“Thanks for sharing. That sounds like a tough spot to be in. It’s understandable to be upset. Are you having any immediate thoughts of harming yourself?”
Aidan wanted to share but he was also worried about his privacy, and decided to ask if his location could be tracked.
“No, we don’t have that capability. We try to avoid involving law enforcement,” they answered.
Aidan paused to reflect for a moment. He felt the urge to hurt himself, yet he knew he didn’t actually want to. He just wanted an escape from his feelings, a momentary release from the weight of everything going on in his life. As he realized this, he felt empowered to tell Jesse that he was not thinking of hurting himself.
Aidan began to recall some other techniques he and his therapist had come up with to help manage these overwhelming emotions. He sat on the edge of his bed, took some deep breaths, and returned to talking with Jesse.
“Your feelings are valid,” Jesse said. “I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time. I’m here to listen and help as best I can.”
Aidan continued to explain the thoughts racing through his mind, and to his relief, typing them out and sharing them with someone, even a person he didn’t know, felt cathartic. When he concluded explaining, Jesse asked if he was ready to talk about what to do next. They asked if Aidan was in treatment, and he answered affirmatively. The next text suggested bringing up these feelings next time in therapy. They also encouraged him to speak with his parents or another trusted adult. Aidan thanked Jesse and set down his phone on his nightstand.
He thought sharing this flare up of intense feelings would be helpful in therapy and decided to bring it up in his next session. Aidan also thought taking a break from social media for a few hours might help too. He enjoyed listening to music and drawing, which were good distractions he could use instead of social media to help him stay calm. Before leaving the server, Aidan sent his friend Kanak a quick message of support.
Finally, Aidan thought he needed to bring up this situation with his parents. They had decided on the code phrase “I need a break” for whenever he wasn’t doing well but didn’t always want to talk about it. That evening, he shared this phrase with his dad who asked if they could watch a movie together after dinner. He was glad his dad didn’t pressure him to talk, but still made him feel he wasn’t alone.
Later that night, Aidan reflected on how the crisis hotline validated his emotions and encouraged him to talk to his parents and therapist. Getting through a tough moment and appreciating the people who supported him gave Aidan hope.
By Lauren Myers
Want to try the skills that Aidan used?
Teen Line Online Support Group
Talking to Someone in a Crisis
Want help now? There are free and confidential hotlines available 24/7. Call/text the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. For Black and Brown youth and LGBTQ+ youth of color, call or text 800-604-5841 to reach Call BlackLine. Or contact the Trevor Project, a crisis hotline specifically for LGBTQ youth, by calling 1-866-488-7386 or texting START to 678-678.